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How Churches Can Help Prepare Missionary Kids (TCK’s) for Launch

By Julie Thompson

Third culture kids (TCKs) face unique emotional, cultural, and developmental challenges as they grow up between worlds, making intentional preparation and care essential for their long-term health. This resource equips sending churches and missionary families with practical guidance on how to prepare TCKs before they are sent out with their parents, including key conversation topics and recommended tools. Churches can use it to care for their missionary children proactively, while families can use it to help their kids process change, build resilience, and thrive cross-culturally.



Have you ever heard the old adage that before you have kids, you should buy a plant—then, if the plant survives, you should get a pet—and if the pet survives, you are ready to be a parent? Well, I have lost a cat, had to sell a dog, and killed almost every potted plant I’ve owned. So it is really only by the grace of God that I have traversed continents and countries with five kids in tow and we are all still here to tell you about it. 


We are now settled in the Midwest and recently moved into a house with a fenced-in garden plot that would be the envy of anyone with a green thumb (not me—see above). Mostly because it just felt wrong not to use it, I begrudgingly walked into this new cross-cultural experience of Kansas gardening. Thankfully, some friends stepped in to help. As we planted big plants, small plants, and tiny seeds, I couldn’t help but notice how much extra care went into the small plants. The big plants were sturdy enough, and though they might wilt a little at the beginning, they would quickly find their way. The seeds that were planted directly into the soil would grow and develop, building strong roots in their permanent home. 


But the little plants—those, we gave extra care. We knew the rain, the heat, and the Kansas wind would bear down on them just as much as it did the big plants, but they wouldn’t have the same support and strength to withstand it. So my friends showed me how to cut a milk jug and position it around the plants, ensuring the plants got the perfect amount of sunlight, a shield from downpours and wind, and a little pool next to it since the big plants would likely gulp up the rest of it. We knew what was coming, so we prepared them.


Preparing TCKs for Growth


As we were planting, I couldn’t help but think about young kids who were getting ready to launch to the mission field with their families. We know these kids will face unique challenges living in a foreign culture. In fact, this reality is something that keeps some families from going to or staying on the field. Knowing the challenges they will face, we cannot neglect to prepare them as well as we prepare their parents for ministry, support raising, and/or learning a new language. Both missions organizations and sending churches do an amazing service to children, parents, and receiving ministries when they recognize and prioritize third-culture kid (TCK) preparation.


What do these kids need to know before hitting the field? Here are a few topics that span age groups and can be implemented as early as age two or three.


What to Expect in Their New Identity as a TCK


Across the spectrum of personality or age, TCKs share common struggles. Knowing what to expect and understanding why they feel the way they do is vital to helping prevent the tendency for them to think something is wrong with them for feeling or acting the way they do. This learning is important for the short-term (culture shock, transition, etc.) and the long-term (how TCK struggles may compound over time, during re-entry, etc.).


How to Say Goodbye and Grieve Well


The TCK life is one of loss. Even children who grow up in a single overseas location experience the loss of being far from their grandparents, the loss of experiences normal to their passport country, and the loss of friends who come and go. While kids do tend to go with the flow, research tells us that unaddressed grief and loss will eventually catch up to them. Knowing how to grieve and having the space and support to grieve well is vital to TCK health.


How to Talk about Hard Feelings


Many children do not know how to identify their feelings beyond “good” or “bad,” but we all know emotions are more complex than that. TCKs need to learn how to communicate what they are feeling, and they need to know that they are allowed to feel and share the “bad” feelings. It is all too natural for kids, especially ministry kids, to assume they need to keep the bad feelings locked up. The two most common reasons for this are (1) that mom and dad are already stressed out enough, or (2) that expressing their feelings will somehow hurt the ministry. We must be intentional in teaching them that open communication is safe and encouraged.


How to Be Apart from Mom and Dad


In some cases, children may be used to having one parent at home all the time but then get to the field and transition to both parents spending several hours a day in language school or meeting the demands of the ministry. This is a hard transition for the entire family, but it can be especially difficult for the child. He or she may feel suddenly abandoned at a time when they need their parents the most. Some families are wary of cross-cultural training intensives because their children will be in all-day care, but this can often be a helpful way for a child to adjust to having new caregivers. 


Healthy Physical Boundaries


Many cultures have different ethics for physical touch for children—some may be overly affectionate, others overly harsh. It is important for children to know what is okay and what is not okay regarding physical touch. Having these conversations ahead of time will help them speak out if they feel uncomfortable.


Language Skills


People often assume that young children will naturally pick up a language without any effort. While they generally have a major advantage over adults, some level of introduction to foreign sounds and words can build confidence and take some of the fear out of being immersed in a foreign environment. This kind of intentional early exposure can also accelerate a child’s ability to explore their new surroundings. 


How They Will Stay Connected


Highly mobile children will have the tendency to feel like they do not belong anywhere. They may also assume that to stay connected with their passport country is somehow to betray their new life overseas. Having a clear plan for staying connected (weekly video calls, letters, or predictable rhythms of home assignment) will help children maintain a connection with important people in their lives. Finding this healthy balance can even give them the security and confidence they need to dive into a new culture, because they know that doing so does not mean their old relationships are being replaced.


Resources


With more options available than ever before, the failure to prepare TCKs is not due to lack of time, funds, or resources, but simply to us not prioritizing it. Options for preparation range from print-and-go curriculums, to personal coaching and consultations, to month-long intensives for adults and children. Families will do best with utilizing a combination of resources at different points during their time abroad. And preparation isn’t limited to pre-field! Important milestones, such as major moves, beginning school, hitting puberty, entering high school, or re-entering the U.S. for college, are key times to check in and see what TCKs may need for the next leg of their journey.


The examples given below are by no means exhaustive, and they are being updated faster than we can keep up! But these are a great starting point for conversations with your sent families.


Websites


Here are some helpful websites to visit for all things TCKs:



Books


Pros: You can keep them at your fingertips and read them again and again! There are brilliant books out there for the littlest of TCKs as well as more in-depth books that an older child could read on their own or that you could work through together as a “read aloud.”


Cons: It can be too easy to read it and forget it. And a book on its own will not provide the community and support needed to apply the instruction. 


Examples:



Print-and-Go Curriculums


Pros: These are the most accessible and affordable. You can spread out the learning over a longer period of time, which will provide more time to process and talk. These curricula empower parents or other caregivers to start the conversation, which will open the lines of communication for when challenges come. 


Cons: The overseas transition is already a stressful time for parents, and working through a curriculum can end up being just one more thing to manage and do. It also lacks the community aspect that other options provide.


Examples:



One-on-One Coaching


Pros: Coaching can be done virtually and introduces the family to a guide/coach that parents can continue to call on. It provides a lot of space to talk through the unique challenges a particular family is facing, so it’s not a cookie-cutter approach. Additionally, consultations may cover a niche topic, like education, that is a pressing need for the family. 


Cons: Coaching is likely more needs-based, so it could end up being more reactive than proactive. You also miss the community aspect and the learning that comes from being around other TCKs and families who are walking the same road.


Examples:



Intensives


Pros: Intensives offer an undisturbed time and space to focus on learning and transitioning well. Parents and children both get a systematic curriculum that is tailored to their needs but overlaps enough to provide common language to talk about hard feelings. Living in community with others who “get it” often develops into lifelong friendships that continue on to the field. Intensives give kids the chance to see that they are not alone in their experiences and struggles. Additionally, for families where both parents will have significant ministry responsibilities, intensives provide a safe environment for kids to adjust to being with alternate caregivers.


Cons: Intensives are by far the most expensive option, likely costing a family of four upwards of $10,000 plus travel expenses. Because many families are on a tight timeline, devoting a whole month to preparation when there are so many other things to do can feel like too great a sacrifice. 


Examples:



Affirming the Importance of TCK Well-Being


As you are preparing your TCKs for the transition overseas, remember the small plants we mentioned at the beginning. The milk jug didn’t prevent the storms and wind and sun from beating down; it was simply a tool to get the plants to a place of thriving. We cannot protect our children from the challenges of this unique upbringing, but preparing them well and prioritizing ongoing care and equipping has the potential to drastically change the effect of those challenges.


Our sent families are marked by their self-sacrifice and can often feel a sense of guilt for spending money or taking extra time off to prepare their family for life overseas. They need us, their sending churches and missions organizations, jointly affirming the importance of their entire family’s well-being and backing up that affirmation by giving them the time, space, and resources they need to be as equipped as possible for the journey ahead. 



Next Steps


The journey toward sending well happens one step at a time. Here are three ways you can continue moving upstream:


  1. How could your development process for adult missionary candidates also include development of their kids towards their cross-cultural opportunity? How can you become more educated in this area? Is there an organization you could partner with to develop young children for overseas living?

  2. To dive deeper, read Raising Up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids: A Practical Guide to Preventative Care by Lauren Wells. 

  3. Consider ways to connect future TCKs with other future TCKs or healthy former TCKs that can be a blessing to those children through their own experience and understanding of life in another culture.

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